Does everything I do come from a base of insecurity? Is that why I'm having such a hard time "loving my shape"? I am so self-conscious that going out or just existing when I feel "big", whether it's all in my head or not, is really tough. I feel like everyone is judging me for what I look like. Or they're saying, "she's not very pretty anymore" or something to that effect. I have read that this is part of insecurity- you feel like a big red X marks you and everyone's attention is on you.
I feel desperate to try and keep the shape I had, which was perfect at a certain weight and not one single pound more, and now that I weigh more than that, even though it's only by a few pounds, I feel like I'll do anything to make it perfect again. Even if that means cutting out entire food groups from my diet, or exercising 2 or 3 times a day. I look at beautiful people, especially like Kim Kardashian, and think that if she can be not a size 0/2 and still be absolutely gorgeous, then maybe I can pull it off too. But then I immediately doubt that, because I don't dress that sharp everyday, or wear make-up everyday, or do my hair everyday, so it's not possible.
It's dangerous to compare yourself to others, yet I do nearly everyday. 2 Corinthians says is dangerous, too "However, when they measure themselves with themselves and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding and behave unwisely." Why in my head does thin= pretty, and that's it? Doesn't personality equal pretty? Or style? What about what God does when I allow Him to shine through in my life? Why is it only thin? This is a chronic problem, one that I'm drowning in. I can't fix it. I'll never be able to enjoy another bite, take a vacation from exercise, or a combo of both if I don't allow God to do some serious healing in my heart. Every time I think I've gained some ground, I've taken 2 steps forward...then I take 1 step back and it feels like I'm at square one.
The question is how long will I hold onto this anxiety before it takes a permanent toll on me, or on my relationships? It would be foolish for me to think that my daughter isn't watching my habits carefully. And I'd be fooling myself if I said I didn't think about her eating habits, healthful and otherwise, or if I ignored weight issues amongst our youth. Is a huge issue, although not one for her right now. I have reasoned with myself "I want her to have healthy habits, so is what I do so bad?"...but it's not my eating habits (although cutting out entire food groups isn't a healthy way to go), it's my extreme habits that will have an affect on her, and probably already do. It's my self-conscious and insecurity that will teach her first, and the fact that I don't ever have to say a word is scary. I don't ever say "do I look ______?", I don't say anything. But my habits imply that very thing without having to say it.
Unfortunately I am not finding peace in scripture that says I am Gods beautiful masterpiece. I want to believe that, but my heart just doesn't. I need Him to do some serious, intensive healing so I can believe His Promises that I am significant, I was made with a purpose (Ephesians 1:11) and I am His crown jewel (Isaiah 62:3), the apple of His eye (Zechariah 2:8). It would do us all good to meditate on those verses a little more, but sometimes my head is so full of anxious thoughts (i.e. How many calories have I burned vs. How many have I eaten and what kind), that nothing else fits up there. Did you know that one of the reasons people have poor memories is because of worry and anxiety? I've got plenty of that, and it's only one subject! My head is so full of worry and anxiety that sometimes I can think of nothing else!
Heres what I do know, and I hang onto this truth tightly: God is the only way to peace, He's the only way to security, and His path is truth. If I just continue looking to Him, even in the midst of the anxiety, the worry, and the insecurity, then He will be there for me. He will heal me because I've learned that all I have to do is ask him to. He will never let me down never let me go, (The Lord God goes with you, he will never leave you nor forsake you Deuteronomy 31:6) and what He has waiting on the other side of this insecurity is a freedom that can never be taken away.