Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Breaking Down

Have you ever had a day of emotional crisis? Where no matter what you did, your worries consumed you to the point of breaking down? Welcome to my Friday night.

It started out a completely fine day, no real stresses, nothing bad happened. I was actually looking forward to our weekly "Pizza-Movie Night" with our kids and just being able to unwind from the week. Then It happened. Are you ready for this, because true confession starts now. I put on a pair of formerly very well-fitting jeans...and...they were too tight (for me). Yes, they still fit, but to a person like me, it was very near the end of the world. I could hardly believe it, my mind just didn't accept truth for what it was, and that where it all started.

God has given us tools and resources to deal with this very thing. In a perfect world, when things in your head (and yes, most likely, its in your head) start to go south, you turn to Him, meditate on Scripture (which is why we should all be memorizing it!), pray, read a book like "So Long Insecurity..."-something! But, alas, my poor head was so full of self-deprecating thoughts that there was no room for anything else. I feebly tried to pull myself up on my own, but if you've been there and tried that you know it doesn't work! I allowed it to get to me to the point that A) the rest of my day, all the way to bed time, was completely ruined, B) the time I could have happily spent enjoying my family was yes, spent with my family, but not happily. C) it took me to a dark place where all I could do was sit in my dark bathroom and cry.  I had one thing on my mind, and I was in a bad place with it. It was taking over my thoughts and behavior.   I thought, "Am I depressed? Do I need intervention?"  Actually, the answer is yes, I needed intervention, but I wasn't going to God to get the healing I needed. I was turning inward, and I just don't have what it takes to pick myself back up.

 You are probably thinking by now, "What a head case!". I kinda think that myself! It seems ridiculous to get that upset over a pair of ill-fitting jeans! But see, I've bought into the lie, I've taken the bait- hook, line and sinker. I believe that if I'm not at what I believe to be is my very best, perfect, we'll call it, then I'm nothing. I have nothing else to offer, nothing else to give. And that is what our enemy intends for us to believe, because we are rendered useless under this kind of duress. I wasn't a light for Jesus! I was sitting in a dark room feeling (very) sorry for myself!

God wants us to live life abundantly, yes! It should be fun and adventure-filled, not sad and dark-but here's the caveat-it's a life abundantly lived IN HIM. Any thing else, and we are trying to fill ourselves with the equivalent of water vapor. It simply will never fill us, no matter how hard we try, or how much we take in.

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