I'm so frustrated. Mostly with myself.
The past couple of days I have been seemingly obsessed with clothes. I re-discovered a catalogue I thought I had already recycled (recycling it would have been smart of me, 'cause this is what happens when I look through them) and decided at once that I needed (yes absolutely needed) not one or two pieces, but EVERY piece in the catalogue. All this because I feel suddenly like I have zero sense of style, and if I could just order all the complete outfits, well...it would be so easy. And I would look cute! This would give me what I'm longing for—SECURITY. At least for a while! I've been obsessing over it ever since I saw that blasted catalogue, trying to figure out some way to a) copy that look or b) justify just going ahead and ordering my favorites from the catalogue and last resort c) asking God pretty please just go ahead and give me what I want.
I wonder, does God ever get tired of hearing my want list? It goes on and on, and I for one am always happy to keep adding to it. Will my heart never be satisfied with what I already have? I am mainly frustrated with myself because I say I want God in my life, but then I constantly shift around Him to get at what I think I really want, which right now is new clothes. And about another zillion things I saw this week between the 8,000 catalogues I get in the mail.
Sometimes I feel like I should just stop talking to Him, because I can't seem to get it right. I actually know this isn't the answer, but im scared He's gonna get tired of dealing with me. I know I should crave Him more than I crave anything else. Will I ever get past that shallow part of me that just wants what I want, period? I can always justify how I feel. I mean, is there anything wrong with wanting to have great style? Or with wanting to be fit and healthy? I guess there is something wrong with it when it overshadows my desire to want to be in relationship with my God, which right now it is. The thing is, I appreciate good style, a healthy lifestyle, a good diet and fitness. I don't want to not care about those things! I've said before that my insecurities feel like they are consuming me, and that feeling hasn't gone away.
I think God probably understands where I am right now, because He came to the earth as a human and faced all the same temptations that I do. I also believe that His mercy and grace are infinitely covering me, even in the midst of what I'll call a major clothing crisis. He desires to have relationship with me, so He will meet me where I am, but I need to do my part, too. I need to spend time with Him, pray and read scripture. I pray that He will help me get my priorities in order so that these things don't continue to have the same vice-like grip on my heart that they do know. Instead I can walk with God, and look cute doing it!