I re-read Genesis 22, an interesting story if you really know the history. I just don't know how Abraham could have taken his son to the mountain and then just tied him up to offer him as a sacrifice. I mean, it sounds crazy! Besides that, I keep wondering what Isaac was thinking the whole time. I know he questioned his father at one point, asking where the lamb was that they were going to sacrifice, but what about while his dad was tying him up? What must he have been thinking? Abraham and Isaac both had to have had an incredible amount of trust in God as this journey unfolded for them. I know that God always has a plan, but it seems like such a sacrifice to ask someone to do something like this. I don't know. Beth Moore's question, "is God a giver or a taker?" is stuck in my head. My head says yes, of course God is a giver, but I think that way deep down inside, I am scared of God, and that means I'm too scared of Him to trust Him with too much. Why? Because I'm scared He will take away something that means a lot to me, and it will hurt. What must He take from me to get glory from me? I guess with growth there is always some pain, hence the term "growing pains", but I don't want to face pain. I don't want to deal with pain. I am a pain-avoider! I don't even like confrontation because it may cause pain. It makes me uncomfortable.
Take the time that I'm offering to Him. It's a real sacrifice, one that is, yes, a little painful for me to give. I want my time, I feel like I need my time. And while I'm giving Him some of it (I mean, I have a lot of other "high" priorities, which is why I'm even writing this blog!), I still have things I need to do. My house needs to be cleaned, laundry done, shopping done...things have got to be accomplished! I can't just sit here all day and spend the day with Him...can I? And... do I want to? Do I crave time with Him enough to do that? It may be that I just don't, and I pray that He will take me there, because He is where all the answers are. (The thought did cross my mind that He would like somehow super-naturally give me more time if I gave Him the time I have...is that crazy??)
So, is God a giver or a taker? Right now it seems like He is taking my time away, taking my focus away from what needs to be done, and taking away the confidence I had in a clean(er) and straight(er) house. Not to mention that even though I'm doing okay right now, I still feel like He's taking away the confidence I had in how I look. I feel frustrated because it's not all coming together like I expect it to. I feel frustrated because I don't have it all together like I want! I don't get what He's trying to get at, and that frustrates me too!
Yes, ultimately, I am scared of God, and it's not having a "fear of the Lord". That's totally different than what I'm feeling. How many times have I wondered if He would let something I fear happen to me just to prove that He is God? How many times have I questioned Him and wondered if He would take something away from me (like my house, or car, or something important to me) because either I love it too much or don't appreciate what I already have? And then I wonder, gosh, I'm asking all these questions, doesn't that make Him kinda mad? Shouldn't I already know better? It says He is a loving God in scripture, and I believe scripture, so shouldn't that be enough?
But I already know that He knows what's going on in my heart of hearts, so for me to pretend that I don't think these things would be silly. Honestly, I do trust Him enough to at least say these things and I pray that He would not be offended, but please understand that I want to get to know Him better, I want to get past all this nonsense. I want to get to a place where I trust Him NO MATTER WHAT! What a great place that will be!