Wednesday, February 22, 2012

God In My Pocket?

As I finished up my quiet time yesterday, the thought occurred to me that I have been asking God to help me let go of this need to control my weight, but I have not really wanted to let go. I feel like I’m attempting to get God to do what I want because I know that’s what might be best for me and I also know that that’s what He would probably want for me, but I haven’t actually wanted to let go. I have not really changed my perspective at all, and every time I see a picture in a magazine of what I think I would like to look like, I feel a twinge of jealousy. I still am completely hung up on being thin, as if thin=pretty=LIFE. I haven’t tried to change my thinking, haven’t really wanted to, but I’ve been asking God to help me. I guess that’s a good start, but I think I’ve got to be willing to change. I wrote a while ago about being secure as a rock, and I think I need to go back and read it again!  I can’t be so secure in my own thinking that I’m unwilling to move forward. As I think about the way I’ve been, I realize that I’ve been looking for the best of both worlds. I want God on my side because, well, who wouldn’t? But seriously, I want Him on my side because of all He has to offer, because I know in my head and in my heart that He has all the upside of life. But in my daily life, I also still believe that for me, thin equals pretty, and no matter what, I want to stay thin. I’m scared to move forward because I’m afraid I will be unhappy with the result, which I suppose means that I don’t trust God as much as I think I do. I want God in my back pocket, because of all the upside, and also keep what I want in place. I want Him to be happy with me because I’m seeking Him, and it’s sincere, but it’s almost like I want Him to do things my way because He is so happy that I’m willing to seek Him. I say these things because I know that He already knows what I’m thinking, and honestly, there isn’t anything I can say or think that He can’t handle, so I may as well be completely honest. I don’t think I can have it both ways, I really don’t, but I also don’t know how to change. I’m so stuck on trying so hard to be pretty (because that’s where my security lies), that I have no idea how not to try so hard to be pretty. It would be interesting, as an aside, to see how much brain space I might free up if I didn’t think about this so often…

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