Thursday, February 2, 2012

Losing Control

I've been thinking a lot about losing control, something I really hate to do. When I'm "in control" of my circumstances, I feel certain, safe, satisfied, calm. But am I really in control or do I just think I am? I think about how I have controlled my circumstances in my life to the point that I have become weary and tired, discouraged, depressed even. I've become that way because there is no way to control all the circumstances in my life.  I've tried to mostly control my diet, exercise, the house and the appearance of both. I've tried to appear to God  and others that I am perfectly in control, or calm, cool and collected one might say. How could I possibly have tried to fool God and myself for so long?  He has helped me realize that although I gave my life to Him a while ago, I only gave Him bits and pieces because I have not trusted that He would take care of certain things like I would. I have thought foolishly that I can and could do a better job, but it's a lot of pressure to try to do that. I haven't offered myself as a living sacrifice because I didn't see the point, nor did I see why He really cared. I actually thought He would make me gain weight because I shouldn't care so much about how I look in the first place. I haven't given up control in the least, but have certainly asked for His intervention on plenty of things that I knew I couldn't handle because they are out of my control, simply put.

I have controlled my diet and exercise regimen for years, not giving it up for anything or anybody. I take care of myself in the hopes of attaining two main goals: looking better and not getting sick, cancer or otherwise. To honor God has never been a thought, never a consideration, not even for a second. I do it for me, period. It's largely fear and even more so vanity, and I'm not even sure I can tell the difference anymore. I have fear and vanity issues because I'm insecure. I've never (before now) investigated why I'm insecure or even that I am insecure, I have just accepted it as part of who I am. How does a child of God co-exist with an insecure woman? How does one not knock the other out of the picture? There is a major battle that I can't even see going on right now for my very soul, because I can feel it. If I do not give God everything I've got, then the battle will continue because I will always have something that is up for grabs.

There are many things that I will struggle with giving God, and two main ones are my TIME and my PHYSICAL BODY. I still don't see the big picture quite yet, and maybe never will, but I want to trust Him with everything. How does one trust Him with their body, or even give it to Him? It seems like a really strange concept. I will begin with what I eat. Right now I have one goal in deciding what goes in my mouth: if it will help me lose weight. In deciding to trust and honor God instead of only honoring me, I will eat with the goal of honoring Him and trust that He will guide me. To honor Him with my body instead of honoring me will be hard. I've gotten compliments on how I look, and I'm fearful of losing that. But to find my confidence in Him is what I want, because I know that is lasting and exceptional, and just maybe I won't care so much what other people might think. He has told me in His Word that I am beautiful, that I have captivated His heart, and that I am the apple of His eye. Can I totally lose control with Him and be on my way to being the happiest I've ever been in my life? I need guidance from Him and need to remember His promise that He will never let me go(Deuteronomy 31:8), because I'm trying to let go of my life in order to live.

What honors God?
What dishonors God? I know some of those: gluttony, craving anything more than I crave Him, greed, pride...

Deuteronomy 31:8
Amplified Bible (AMP)
8It is the Lord Who goes before you; He will [march] with you; He will not fail you or let you go or forsake you; [let there be no cowardice or flinching, but] fear not, neither become broken [in spirit--depressed, dismayed, and unnerved with alarm].

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