Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Negative Energy

I haven't had much energy lately. I don't know why, I just haven't felt that little lift in my step. I've never been a person who truly has no energy, I guess I take after my (very) energetic mother in that respect. I do not know how the woman did it sometimes, she was like the energizer bunny! So, this little reduction in my energy levels has caught me a bit unprepared. I was lamenting to a friend on Thursday how I was feeling bad because my jeans didn't fit right. This is something I struggle with not daily, not even hourly, but minute to minute. It may not show in everything I do, and I can certainly carry on my activities without it affecting me on the outside, but make no mistake, I carry it around like a heavy weight on my heart. And it's not really that my jeans don't fit right, that's just a trigger. It's that I feel helpless. I used to be in control, and now I'm not. I will just be straight with you. I don't feel like there is anything I can do to stay in control of my weight, besides just stop eating altogether, and I'm not far-gone enough to think that's a good idea. I have a certain ideal in my head of what my perfect weight ought to be, and now I don't know what to do. I'm completely caught off-guard, which is where God needs me to be so I can be open to Him, but I'm struggling mightily with it. I'm also what my sister calls a "snowballer"--I take an event and it snowballs in my head to my absolute worst-case senario, and it scares me half to death! So, I take my jeans not fitting right and it has snowballed in my head til my soul is wracked with fear, anxiety, stress and a mild depression. At that point, it does take a toll on my countenance, although I'm fairly good at pulling off a happy face. 

So back to my tale of sorrow to my friend on Thursday. I added on to the end of my saga that I have no energy. She looked right at me and said "It's because you are carrying around all that negative energy. If you get rid of that, you'd be surprised at how much life you have in you". That's a wow statement if I've ever heard one! Carrying around all that negative energy...it struck me forcefully.  We all know how stress affects people negatively, but a lot of time I assume it's from an outside source, something we can't really control and we just have to deal with. But to think that I am putting that on my own self?! Daily? It's time to stop the madness, reverse the cycle...however you want to say it. I need to hand this one over to God for good and get on with my positive energy. 

Here's my prayer, I can't remember where I found it, so I can't take credit for coming up with it but it certainly bears repeating!

Give me the gift of laughter. You are my help and my deliverer (Psalm 40:17), anoint me with 'the oil of joy' (Isaiah 61:3), may I continue the feast of a merry heart (Proverbs15:15). Give me a sprit of joy. You are my help and deliverer, please do not delay! 

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