I've been pondering this thought that's been running around in my head for a couple of days, and I can't quite grasp it yet, so I'll do the best I can to explain.
Sometimes I think so poorly of my own abilities. I think I compare myself too often to other people's talents and abilities. Once the comparisons start, I conclude (to myself) that I don't have anything else to offer. It may be that I believe
this lie about myself, and I have at some point projected that lie onto people that know me well. In other words, I conclude that other people think the same thing about me. And the better they know me the more I believe it is so. I seek affirmation from others, rightly or wrongly. It makes me feel good, which it would anybody, when people compliment me on things that I do well, or my appearance, etc. But as I've discussed in previous posts, it's not anyone else's job to constantly affirm me. However, when people don't, especially people close to me like my sister or my husband, I tend to get
a bit alarmed. In a snap, my mind has got me going down a path of presupposing
that they must also think I have nothing to give, no talents or gifts worth mentioning.
Take my magnificent husband (he is truly awesome!) for example. He is among the few people who knows me the best, and because he has that privileged position ;), he's also present when I make mistakes, which I do plenty of (bless his heart. And he still sticks around!). But somewhere in my head this thought floats around that he must see what I see...that I have no gifts or special abilities.
See, I want so badly to be seen as more than just a mom and a housewife. Not
that those are unimportant jobs, but in my eyes, it's trivial, its just something I do. For example, I want to be seen as a housewife and a superior piano player, a genius, a breathtakingly beautiful woman, or a stupendous artist...you get the picture. But I'm not any or all of these things, and my pride is hurt a bit that I'm not. I said yesterday how dangerous a prideful heart can be. I want to be noticed, and I think that's my pride speaking load and clear. So I concentrate on what I know best - obsessing over the way I look. I think one of my worst fears is fading into the background, being unnoticed, unappreciated, and taken for granted. Or made fun of or disregarded because of what I can't do. That's why I work so hard at filling my heart with false securities like beauty, material possessions and its why I stay busy doing things that sometimes aren't important to me. It's why the way my house is decorated is so important to me (besides the fact that I just like to decorate, it's a fine line), and it's why I take some pride (ouch, it hurts to write this so please don't judge...) in some of the material possessions I have.
God knows all this already, so it's good to just air my soul out. I hope he honors honesty! I need Him to fill me up so that my significance comes from Him and my confidence comes from Him. We all have special gifts and talents (from Him) just waiting to be discovered and used for His glory, not for our own. All the things I mentioned earlier that I wanted to be or do are things that would glorify me, things that would take me away from finding confidence in my one true God. John 15:16 says "You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you".
He has given me everything I need to succeed.
"God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all
times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work...you will
be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion,
and...your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God." 1 Corinthians 9:8,11