Monday, March 12, 2012

Damage-control

I went to the doctor on Friday for a simple check-up, and when I got there I had to be weighed. I already knew that I would probably have to be weighed, and even though I was trying very hard not to be anxious about it, I could feel that familiar feeling of dread wash over me. "Step on the scale, please" the very pleasant nurse said.  In my head, I was thinking "Do I have to?"  As the digital readout registered my weight, I considered 2 options: a) jumping off the scale in a dramatic display, distracting the sweet nurse, so that it wouldn't reveal my true weight, or b) passing out from the shock of it. I think you probably know I did neither! I stood there, numb, while she wrote down the number.

Immediately, my mind went into damage-control mode.  "Okay, maybe that scale is off. Plus, I have on really heavy boots, that's probably 2 or 3 pounds, plus all these clothes, well, that's another couple of pounds, and I'm carrying around some water weight because it is that time of the month again (blast being weighed anytime around "that time"). So,"  I say consolingly to myself, "it's not as bad as I think". 

After I chastised myself for gaining weight, I thought about how hard I am, and I think we all are, on ourselves. Could it be possible that I still look okay even with a weight gain? Is it possible that I look better? It didn't cross my mind at first because for a long time, my standard for myself has always been that thinner=better.  Remember back to the entry on "Mis-eyelz", where I talked about the woman on the Today Show who said our eyes are "miss-eyelz?" (see the full explanation on the entry by the same name -- Miss-eyels). I had mine directed right at my heart. I had forgotten who I am in Christ, that I am His daughter, made in His image. Why should I be so harsh with myself? I don't know why I feel like I have to put myself to shame just because of a physical attribute. Even the apostle Paul wrote in Romans 7:15  " I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." I hate beating myself up, yet I do it on a regular basis when it comes to my appearance.  Paul goes on to say in verses 21-23 "So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me." I can hear the frustration in his writing, just as I know how frustrated I get when I want to "do good", but it seems like I just can't. There is hope further in the passage, as he proclaims Christ as his Deliverer in verses 24-25 "Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

That number on the scale has nothing to do with who I am. I have a book called "5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter" by Vicki Courtney, where she shares a similar story to mine, right down to being weighed at the doctors office. She says "At some point, something snapped and I realized the absurdity of the tapes running through my head. I...thanked God out loud for seeing me as 'fearfully and wonderfully made' (Psalm 139:14). I asked Him to help me in the ongoing pursuit to define my worth according to His standard of beauty rather than the world's narrow, not to mention unrealistic, standard...Truly the quest to meet the world's standard of beauty is vain. Every thought that consumes my heart, every moment that my focus is deterred of Him and onto myself is nothing more than vanity." (pp 58-59)

I feel like I can breath a sigh of relief! Because it's not about me, it's all about Him!

picture: clipartof.com

No comments:

Post a Comment