Saturday, March 17, 2012

Pretty

I woke up this morning not feeling very pretty. It got me thinking: is "pretty" a feeling? Does one rely on feeling pretty to be pretty? What exactly IS "pretty", and why is it something that I yearn for? It seems that I'm not the only one who desires to feel pretty, as plenty of friends and family members have expressed the same. Plus, the media drives home this idea of being pretty over and over again as we are bombarded with airbrushed images on magazines covers, catalogues, tv and Internet pictures of all things sexy, beautiful and pretty. It affects me profoundly, and the more I subject myself to media, the more influenced I am by what I see. The more I try to be that kind of pretty. And the harder I try, the greater my failure becomes. See, that kind of pretty is unrealistic, but I've known that for a long time. So the question is, why do I still believe it, and worse, strive relentlessly to attain that which is unattainable?

I think part of the reason I don't feel very pretty is because I know what I'm like on the inside, and I definitely don't feel very pretty there. Lately, it's been a little harder to laugh, because I haven't really been enjoying the life that I've been blessed with. I've concentrated on beautifying the outside with makeup and clothes, but have left the inside bereft of any improvement. So, I've been jealous of what others have that I can't seem to get, and I'm not talking in only material terms.  I've let my feelings get hurt over small things, and have let resentment fester. I've allowed lonely feelings and thoughts to swirl around in my head. Left alone long enough, these feelings will dull my emotions, eventually leading to a sadness that I won't know what to do with.

You know what I really want? To go outside, throw my arms in the air, throw my head back and laugh. To feel the sheer joy of life, unencumbered by these things that I let myself hang onto. I want to be pretty, beautiful even, on the inside and let that shine through in everything I do, instead of needing to FEEL "pretty". The beauty that God supplies on the inside will be the only pretty I need to have.

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