Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Quick Fix

If there is a single question I have asked God the most over the course of my entire life (aside from asking for a 3 pound dog, preferably a Chihuahua or Yorkie. Another story, another day...), it has been asking Him to FIX ME. To just zap me with confidence, take my insecurities away, give me peace and joy so I can finally be done with it all. Sometimes I just want to be done so I can move on. It's hard when you keep struggling with the exact same thing over and over again, sometimes for years. And when I talk to friends, I feel like a broken record. I wonder if they get tired of hearing about about how I struggle with insecurity. At times I feel like there is something seriously wrong with me because I can't get over it, and other times I feel like I have taken 2 steps forward, only to then take 5 (thousand) steps backward.  I pray, I ask, I beg: "Why don't you just fix me? Why don't you just kinda do your God-thing and zap me so my little light can shine?" (you know the song...this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...oops, now it's stuck in your head. You're welcome ;) )

I don't think God wants to just zap me, to instantly "cure" me of anything, because then I could walk away from Him. I wouldn't need Him, I wouldn't have to depend on Him. I'd be good to just keep on keeping on, until the next time I need Him. It would be more like a transaction than a relationship, and that's not what He desires. That's not what I desire! He wants fellowship, a relationship. I think it would be like this: if my kids only needed money from me. If they didn't need love, or affection, or a mommy, really. Just money. And then, when they got their money, they just went about their business, doing just fine on their own, until the next time they needed money. It would be all about the transaction and nothing about having a relationship. That would be so sad to me.

God is bringing me to a place of complete dependence on Him, and that's where I want to be because He is the source of life. He is where I get the things that matter most, like joy and peace. I think about how it would be to live my life with just those two things, and it makes me long for the day when those feelings overrule anxiety and fear. And the good news is there's more! He has so much more to give than just joy or peace. I don't think that I will ever be in a position where I can look around and say "My insecurities are completely and totally gone" (but I would totally say good riddance to them).  It's partly due to the fact that we live in a fallen world. I do know that by keeping my face turned toward His light, depending on Him for my confidence and finding my security in Him, that my light does shine because of Him.

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