|I know what you're thinking--you want those glasses!|
I was naive, too trusting, way too gullible, and too needy for my own good. I tried hard to be "cool" because that's what I thought other people (i.e. other kids in my junior high who were trying just as hard as me to be "cool"), but it wasn't until I actually became an adult that the cool factor made a difference. By the time I was 30, I had tried to change who I was to match who I thought I should be, and I went to many lengths to do so.
I was watching the movie 13 Going On 30 today (with Jennifer Garner--so cute!) when it occured to me something that should have occured to me a long time ago: it's ok to be just plain me. Not me pumped up with fancy clothes, or a fresh mani-pedi, or with a face full of make-up. Those things are all ok, but when I'm using them to hide the real me, then I've gone too far. Sometimes I've gone so far that I've forgotten who I really am, who I was when I was thirteen years old and what truly mattered to me was if I got to go horseback riding with my grandfather, or got to spend the weekend with my grandma. When playing horses outside with my sister was the most fun a girl could have, when my dad watched NASCAR races on Sunday afternoon and then everyone took a nice, long nap. I tried very hard not to show that side of me, though. And now, somehow, I've lost that sweet girl in the midst of trying (still) so hard to be "cool".
|My grandma and me at Lakeside!!|
The funny thing is, being cool now isn't so different than being cool then, it's just in a grown-up way. I've noticed it more now that my kids are in school and I'm around lots of adults. Remember when being friends with the "right" people and wearing all the "right" brands was super-important? Has it changed much now? I don't think it has, it's simply expanded to include driving an expensive car, having name-brand accessories for your home and living in a big, nice house. We are adults still trying to live up to that "cool" image. Today, it matters to me less, but at 30, like in the movie, I was all about it. It's comical; in the movie, Jenna (Jennifer Garner's character) is looking through her old yearbook (after she's suddenly become 30 and doesn't remember anything since her 13th birthday party) and she says, "I can't believe it. I got everything I ever wanted!" (meaning popularity, etc.).
But is that really everything?
Most of us would probably know, and say, the right answer here: of course not. But when I look a little deeper, I know that what I know to be the right answer and what I truely feel are two separate things. Sometimes I want all of those things because I think it will make people...what? Like me more? Want to be around me more? I'm not sure what I think I'll gain from having "everything I ever wanted", but sometimes having "everything I ever wanted" just sounds good. But I can look back and see that everything I ever wanted then and what is truly important are not the same. They're aren't even similar.
Sometimes, I wish I could go back with the knowledge I have now and tell that insecure girl who stands in my pictures, with the curly permed hair and crazy pink Reebok high-tops that it's ok to want to play horses with your little sister. It's ok to want to spend time with your grandma and grandaddy. It's okay to go without make-up, to dance like crazy when a fun song comes on, to smile at a stranger, to stop for a moment and see what shapes I can find in the clouds, to play, to laugh, to cry...it's ok to be me. I would tell that sweet girl to live life to the fullest, with no regrets because of trying so hard to be "cool". Then people can relate to you, they can identify. You form true relationships that way, and then--then--then you are "cool".
|Enjoy life--take the time to laugh and play :)|