Last Wednesday I reaggravated an old injury in my left foot, leaving me stuck in a (very) hot and uncomfortable boot. I don't like wearing said boot, so I tend to take it off when it gets really hot and wear my normal shoes, which does no good in actually healing my foot.
Monday, I got stung on my leg (source unknown but it hurt like heck), and it is now a huge, ichy welt.
Then, I completely forgot that my brother-in-law and nephew were staying with us after the Tech game so I didn't clean our guest room of the doll clothes and paraphernalia littering the floor, nor did I clean the bathroom. I woke up at 12:34 AM wondering if I should get up and go clean or let it go (I let it go).
Tuesday I read an article in the paper about a local young man who has had a serious drug problem since he was 13 and is now going to prison because he sold his friend heroin and that friend promply OD'd and died. He is quoted in the paper as saying that "Doing drugs was fun". I wanted to grab my kids and run for the hills, because the thought of them even possibly being in that same situation makes me sick to my stomach. I couldn't stop myself from the "what-if" questions, and I literally want to pull my kids out of school and homeschool, keeping them at home until they are the responsible age of 30. Maybe 35.
That same day, I rushed my kids through snack time and homework so we could rush out the door at 5:30 for a 6:00 game ONLY to discover that the game is next week. And, to add insult to injury, it's not even on Tuesday, but on Monday.
This morning I found the shirt I have been looking for neatly stacked in my daughter's laundry pile in her closet.
|I feel this picture says it all and needs no caption. Yes, the real Midweek Confession is that this is ME.|
What. Is. Happening. To. My. Brain??
The world seems scary sometimes (ok, for me, the world seems scary a lot of the time). I tend to get easily overwhelmed and frustrated with everything that is asked of me (expecting perfection out of myself only adds to the problem), and when that happens, I get snappy and irritable with my family. I don't like the feeling of not being in control, and I hate it when I forget and am not on top of things. These feelings only further my mounting frustration and before long I am a hot mess. Hence the total brain freeze mentioned above.
So, the quesiton is, how long before I really believe God? The fact of the matter is that I don't trust Him (I am sensing a common theme here...trusting Him seems to be the central issue of my life). I could read all day long about how I can trust Him, about how trustworthy He is, and about how other people trusted Him, but until I start believing those truths for myself, I won't be able to let go of feeling like I must be in control of everything. And everything includes what I eat, because I'm scared of gaining weight; what my kids do and where they go, because I'm scared of letting them make decisions on their own; and what my house looks like, because I'm scared of what people will think of me when it's messy (rest assured that there are many more things that I'd like to control and make an attempt at doing so, but it would take 8 years to list them all).
Basically, I'd like to put God in a (rather small) box and tell Him exactly how I would like my life to run (smoothly, please), but by doing this, I'm A) not trusting Him and B) not allowing Him to be the God who promises in Ephesians 3:20: "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us...". See, I'm not allowing Him to work in my life. It's kinda like being offered a piece of yummy cake and saying "No, thanks" even before you taste it. The cake is still there, it's still yummy, and you could still eat it, but it's your choice. Poor analagy, maybe, but bear with me: God is still there, He's still offering His benefits, and I can still take Him up on His offer. But when I say "No, thanks, I believe I'll have a go on my own. I rather like control and the resulting anxiety and stress", He's not going to force His way, even if it is "immeasurably more than all I could ask or imagine".
Time to let go and let God? Something to think about.