which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither—whatever they do prospers. Psalm 1: 1-3
The other day, I was going through my closet and trying on some clothes that I haven't worn in a while. I selected a pair of pants and, preparing myself for the worst, slipped them on. Well, almost on, seeing as how they didn't go above my new, slightly rounder bum. I could feel a scowl coming on, even though I knew that they wouldn't fit before I tried them on (I really don't even know why I tried them on, other than to chastise myself for having gained a little weight at the beginning of the year). As I tried on yet another pair of pants (with no luck. Those didn't want to go above the bum, either. Blast!), I at least had enough sense about myself to decide that I had a decision to make. I could be totally miserable for the rest of the day or I could, well, not.
And I hate being miserable, especially over a silly pair of pants (or two pair, as it were).
I guess it was hard for me because I, at one time not too long ago, fit perfectly in those pants, and in my mind, I was happy at that time. But was it because of the pants? Probably not. I think I just choose remember things differently than they really were at the time (just as an aside, my grandmother does this, and it drives me slightly bonkers because I know that things were not all roses and rainbows like she makes it out to be. But I digress...).
So, back to making that choice. First, I thought through how I feel generally, day to day, because I couldn't trust my emotions in the moment. And you know what? Even though I am heavier than I was when I wore those pants...I am happy! As I recall, one of the things that would stress me out at the time I was thin enough to wear those pants was the fear that one day I wouldn't be thin enough to wear those pants. And here I am, standing tall and happy, having trusted God enough to begin conquering one of my fears.
The thing is, I wouldn't be standing firm on the other side of my proverbial fence if I hadn't gone out on a limb and trusted God. I knew (even then) I didn't want to be miserable for the rest of my life because of my weight, and after some time spent searching for stable ground, I found it in Him.
I've found that when I trust Him that, even if some of my fears do come true, He is strong enough to handle my "stuff". And, when I'm rooted in His love, I will flourish like never before (even when I was thin enough to wear THE pants).
So, am I totally elated to have to give my pants away? Not really. But I know that it isn't really about the pants, anyway. It's about finding my confidence in Him, and not in the unstable and shifting sand of weight and appearance.
Besides, now I get to go shopping. ;)