Thursday, December 27, 2012

Slender. Skinny. Tiny. Slim.

No matter how you put it, the thing that I want above all else is to be thin.

And I'm ashamed to admit that.

There are lots of things I want. Take, for instance, the new light fixture I found for my dining room. I saw it, I knew instantly that I loved it, I really wanted it, and I got it for Christmas. Sometimes the things I want can't be qualified, like peace or love.

But, sometimes I think that in my heart, the thing that I want, like really, really want, is something that is risky for me to have. Risky because it's the basket I put all my eggs into. It's the thing that trips me up every single time, the thing that makes me change my diet over and over again, the thing that I think about the most, the thing that drives me to exercise, the thing that pushes me to count calories in excruciating detail, to examine my body in front of the mirror from every angle, to compare myself to the unrealistic, to set elusive goals--this is the thing I want the most. This is what I think must define me, what other people see when they look at me. This is how I define myself.

Thin.

A small word. A nearly insurmountable mountain that glares at me with accusing eyes yet beckons me with it's Cheshire cat grin.

Skinny.

It's what everyone says you need to be. It's what experts say is healthy. It's what magazines say is pretty.

Slender.

It's what I want to be. It takes my thoughts away from a fun dinner and puts them on fat and carb content.

It takes time. Dedication. Determination. Grit. Willpower.

But when is this much too much?

When it takes up all my thoughts? When it's the first thing I think about when I wake and the last before I go to sleep? When I cave from the pressure I put on myself? When life becomes one big calorie-counting funfest?

Trust.

Five. Little. Letters.

Huge implication.

To trust Him means to let go of that basket of eggs. Nearly a year has gone by since I began this journey of exploring what trusting God is all about.

Sometimes, it's like two steps forward.

Sometimes, it's like three steps back. Or three hundred.

Therefore tell the people: This is what the Lord Almighty says: ‘Return to me,’ declares the Lord Almighty, ‘and I will return to you,’ says the Lord Almighty.
{Zechariah 1:3}

I'm never too far gone that I can't return to Him.

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