Monday, March 25, 2013

Smile Big

My smile.

I've never liked it. Like, ever. It's uneven, first of all. And my teeth are far from perfect. It started when my adult front teeth came in and they were way too long and yellow-ish, making me look slightly like a rabbit. Plus, I had a huge space between my front teeth. Some people rock the space. I did not. Then, one of my teeth came in really weird and pointy and I felt like I looked like bunny-dracula. Bunicula, you might say. Thank goodness for aesthetic dentistry and Crest White Strips is all I can say.

But I still don't like my smile.

I used to compare my smile to the smiles of the beautiful girls in Seventeen magazine, whose beautiful, white, chiclet teeth were perfectly straight and even. Why can't my teeth be that perfect? I would think. Why can't my lips be that thick and pretty?

Now I compare my smile to those in Better Homes and Gardens magazine.

Different magazine, same insecurity.

Looking at pictures of myself only makes it worse. I hate almost every picture that has been taken of me (besides those cute baby pictures where everyone looks absolutely adorable), and my critique of personal pictures is, like, way harsh.

And then there are those pictures of me, circa awkward preteen and teen years, making goofy faces that I was embarrassed the film developer at CVS even had to see.

The other day, I was trying to make my daughter laugh, so I just started snapping pictures of me while I "posed". It was fun to not be so serious about how my picture turned out, but to just kinda light-hearted laugh at my own self.

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(BTW, this was her reaction to my picture taking...)

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But even then it was a little hard not to look at those pictures and wish they were a little bit better.

Sigh.

Will this insecurity of mine every go away?

Probably not as long as I'm willing to critique every single picture of myself that I see. I would never say to another person the things I'm willing to say about myself, and I would be so offended if someone else ever said to me what I say to myself.

I don't think it has anything to do with my smile.

Looking to a perfect smile to fulfill my God-shaped hole just won't cut it, no matter how perfect that smile is. And the more I concentrate on that smile (or hair, or body, or whatever it may be), the more unsatisfied I'll be with what I see. My self-worth just can't be all wrapped up in a perfect smile.

Zechariah 2:8 says that I am the apple of His eye, and while I can read it and know it, believing it is sometimes hard. But it's a much better place to start than believing that a perfect smile can make all my insecurities go away.

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