Monday, July 29, 2013

All About Me?

Friday, the kids and I were playing on the computer--actually, we were rocking out to the likes of Guns n Roses, Bon Jovi, Surviver, Warrant...and I even threw a little New Kids On the Block in there. (I was trying to show my daughter that One Direction isn't the first and won't be the last.)

Listening to those songs brought back so many memories of junior high and high school, when hanging out with my friends and figuring out how to tease my bangs just a little bit higher were of utmost importance. 

It really doesn't get much cooler than me ;)

During that time, my self-confidence was shakey. I wanted to look better, be taller (or shorter, depending on the day), have better hair, better skin, tanner legs, shorter skirts, better clothes, a funnier one word, I just wanted to be cool. More than anything. And I was willing to make compromises to be cool. Like avoiding friends who might affect my "cool factor". Or being ashamed that I went to church, or knew anything about the Bible. Or refusing to wear clothes my mom bought me because they weren't the cool brand (I sooo wanted a pair of Guess jeans--actually, I sooo wanted to be Claudia Schiffer, the coolest of cool Guess models). I never allowed myself to think about how my actions affected my friends, my parents, my sister, or anyone else around me. I only thought of one person--ME. 

What the what?

I didn't want to realize it at the time, but making compromises to who I was came with a price. It always catches up to you at some point, and while I've changed over time, I was reminded once again just how self-centered I was as I allowed those memories to wash over me while we listened to those songs one YouTube. With all the good memories came some ones I'm ashamed of, and I wish I could go back and tell that high school girl that one day, high school won't matter, but your integrity, the stuff you're made of--that will.

Living a life that comes with regrets may be the way we think it has to be--after all, everyone makes mistakes. 

I haven't righted every single wrong I did as a teenager and young adult, but I have been washed white as snow by my Savior. My "I'm sorry" may be too little, too late for some, but I can change the way I act today so I'm living out what I believe instead of continuing the cycle of selfishness. It doesn't always happen for me. Some days I want to be selfish, I want to be catered to, I want to make compromises to who I am so I will be "cool". And some days, I don't win the fight (although some may debate if I actually do succeed in being very, very cool). But I do know one thing: at the end of the day, I can look up and ask for forgiveness. I can begin new each and every morning, and while it goes against the grain of what is popular today, I can remember this:

It's actually not all about me

No comments:

Post a Comment