Tuesday, August 6, 2013

A Waste of My Time?

Every morning is the same.

Wake up, 
fix my daily cup of tea, 
eat breakfast, 
grab my bible and notebook,
have my quiet time... 
Go on with the rest of my day.

Forget everything I read during my quiet time. 

I have the strangest habit when I'm reading--and it could be reading anything, like the newspaper, the bible or a magazine--and not being fully engaged in what I'm reading. I'll be reading the words on the page with my very own two eyes, but be thinking about something entirely different in my mind. Like the new idea I have to update a bathroom. Or how I should respond to an email I got recently. Or how I'm going to plan out my day. By the time I'm finished reading {ahem}, I have no idea what I just read and have to go back and reread. Sometimes I'm successful. Sometimes I'm just replaying the same scenario, to the same frustrating end. And then I give up and hope that God will be okay with me at least giving it a shot.

But because I'm not really all that focused, it doesn't like long (like .25 seconds) for me to forget every single thing I read, which is a) frustrating, because I feel like I wasted my time and b) not very useful for one when she would actually like to learn something and carry that knowledge with her for longer than it takes to walk from the chair to the kitchen.

I don't know what the deal is, whether it's me, or the material, or both, but when it comes to learning and remembering things from the Bible, it makes me feel very, very far away from God. It's almost like what I'm doing is out of duty or obligation and not really out of this humongous desire to actually read. (If there was a simpler way to read and retain, I'd do it, but so far I haven't really found one, although there are some interesting theories on that topic, like the movie Limitless.)

 A devotional time is one of those things that can never be duplicated, is essential to building a relationship with God, and can either make you feel like you won the lottery or like you've completely wasted your time. (Maybe it's just me that feels like I wasted my time, but sometimes I just don't get anything out of it.). And I'm left wondering: Is it me or is it Him? Is He too busy for me today? And exactly how reasonable is it that I expect God to meet me here. Every. Single. Day. Does He get bored, too? Is He even listening to me? Am I listening to Him?

Romans 8 says that nothing can separate me from the love of God, not angels, not demons, and definitely not the fact that I have a hard time concentrating some mornings when I go to read and I'd rather think about a new paint color than what Psalm 82 has to say. I'm a work in progress, and He knows that. I do strive to do better, and my prayer is that one day I will be able to read, understand and remember. Everything.

Okay, so remembering everything might make my head explode...

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