Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Empty

What is it?

What is that empty feeling, that yawning, gaping hole in my soul that seeks to be filled, but nothing seems to fill it? Sometimes it feels like its stretching my soul to the point of breaking, leaving a feeling of emptiness and something akin to desperation on the inside.

In my early teens, I tried to fill it with boyfriends and makeup, clothes, friends, pizza and sleepovers. In my late teens I tried alcohol and late-night parties. In my twenties I chose marriage, babies, and a house. In my thirties I discovered God again...then choose exercise, beauty, friends and material possessions. 



I grew up in church, so I never really completely forgot about God. But I never really remembered Him, either, and as my quest to not feel so empty on the inside became more desperate, so did my need for Him. But spending time reading the Bible seemed so...boring, especially when I could be doing something--anything--else. 

It seems like lots of other things make me happy. Like friends. Family. Sephora. Target. Redecorating. Books. Vacation. Exercise. Food. But that hole in my soul just swallows those things up and asks for more...and more...and more...until I fear the blackness might swallow me up as well. 



The search is exhausting. 

And a little bit scary. 

It's scary to feel out of control, but wanting and needing all at the same time. Like having more than you need but knowing that nothing will ever be completely satisfying. Greed and selfish tendencies take over, and a hurricane ensues. 

Do you know what I found out about hurricanes? That the eye is the safest place to be. If you can ever get there. But as we all know, fighting against all that wind and rain, well, it can destroy you. But in the midst of all the wind, and all the rain, all the crazy, all the chaos, there is a still, calm voice calling out. A voice that represents strength and power. A voice that has defeated. A voice that offers what no home decor website could ever actually give: Peace. Joy. Forgiveness.  

"Search for The Lord and for His strength; continually seek Him."
{psalm 105:4}


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