Wednesday, August 14, 2013

My 'Want Life'

I already have my 'want life' all planned out. I want a mansion and six kids. 

Hm. What kid really knows exactly what they want? So I challenged her. "You may have your want life all planned out, but its best to check in with God to see what He has planned for you. That's the best way to be happy."

My son chimed in. "Yeah, maybe He doesn't want you to live in a mansion. Or have six kids."

"Well, he better not have some shack planned out for me, cuz that's not what I want."

Her honesty made me smile. As a child, living in a tiny 3-bedroom ranch in what was then considered somewhat "out" (as in the boondocks), I dreamed of having a huge house and beautiful clothes (a la Clueless), nice, sporty cars and a round driveway (why a round drive I don't know but it seemed like all the big houses in the movies had round driveways). I would daydream about layouts and colors (incidentally, this has not changed much, as I still daydream about decor and room colors) and what it would be like to have it all. Everyone would obviously want to be my friend. I'd be blissfully happy. Life would be easy. Oh, and I'd also be stunningly beautiful. I'd finally have everything I ever wanted. 

Except I never, ever considered God in my big-picture dreams. 

So you can imagine my surprise and dismay when life didn't exactly turn out the way I expected. It's somewhat of a rude awakening when God steps in and everything that seems right is turned upside down. I didn't appreciate it very much, and I balked. Made choices I regret. Turned my back on Him and His plan. Decided I'd make my own way in this crazy world. This is my life, these are my choices, I am going my way. I angrily shook my fist and Him and went to figure it all out for myself. 

It only took me about two steps out in the dark to realize that I didn't have a clue what I was doing. I was in the dark, in desperate need of light. Again, I angrily shook my fist at Him, shouting You know I can't do this on my own. Why did You leave me??

I think God has a lot of patience for me.

Fast-forward several years to a woman who still doesn't have everything I ever wanted--but I now realize what a blessing that is. The life I dreamed of at 10 could never compare to the life I have. There have been plenty of ups and downs along the way, and a myriad of learning experiences. I have started to understand that although God has a plan for me, He'll never force me to go His way. If striking out in my own is what I want to do, then as painful as it is, He will watch me go. I sometimes wish He would've just imposed His own will on me, because I know that those mistakes I made years ago wouldn't have happened, but imposing His will on me would've made me like a robot, a puppet with strings attached. He made me with a free will and the ability to make decisions, and He gave me a guidebook to follow. 

But its up to me to follow it. 

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