It follows me to the grocery store when I realize I've forgotten my list or my coupons (or both, at which point I figure I may as well give up and come back another day).
It follows me to my child's soccer practice when we show up at the wrong field for practice. (True story, I just did that on Monday. Then I snapped at my kids for asking because I was slightly embarrassed. Mommy FAIL.)
It follows me to bible study when I haven't done all my homework. And it follows me to bible study Leadership Training when the director asks the group to answer questions on how we as leaders can effectively influence the women who attend our studies and I have no idea how to answer the question. So I did what anyone else in my shoes would have done. I sat and waited for my group members to offer their answers, and then I just kindof tried to fill in. You've been there, haven't you? (Please say yes.) Whether in school, a business meeting or leadership training, you get put into groups to answer questions about a certain topic, only to feel like you're the only person who isn't spouting off a thousand fresh ideas.
That's how I came to leave the building feeling like perhaps someone else would make a better leader than I could. I mean, first of all, I've got issues, as anyone who reads this blog would well know. Secondly, because of said issues, I feel ill-equipped to really lead a study, and I feel especially ill-equipped to effectively influence and encourage other women who are attending. Who do I think I am, signing up for this job? Isn't this a job for other women who have clinical psychology backgrounds, who are extroverted and have confidence in their verbal communication skills? Who can spell? (So I sorta forgot how to spell the word 'christian' yesterday, and I kept thinking I had it right but it didn't look right on the paper, so I kept going over it in my head 'c-h-r-i-s-t-I-A-N'--is it a-i-n or i-a-n...and I finally got out my phone and typed myself a message to see if it auto-corrected. That's right. I did that.).
You know what's funny? That this will be like the 4th or 5th study I've led, and I still haven't figured this stuff out yet. By this point in my Bible Study Leading Career, ladies may have figured out that I'm that leader...the one who doesn't have it all together, the one who forgets what she was saying or what the point was supposed to be and why it was even relevant to the discussion right in the middle of her spiel, the one who goes over the class time limit, the one who doesn't have any sort of relevant background, the one who is introverted and has issues, and yes, the one who temporarily forgets how to spell CHRISTIAN. And maybe some ladies even prefer someone who is more, shall we say, seasoned in their leadership experiences.
Those of us who are in positions to serve and who feel ill-equipped to do it are in a unique, but not uncommon, role. Even the most seasoned leaders probably at some point or another feel inadequate and unsuited for the role they've taken on, and that's okay. See, what's most important is that we have a heart that desires to work for God, and when we have that, we can trust that He will put us in roles that suit us. And when we trust that He is in the driver's seat, we can also trust that the tools and the means we need will be delivered with the best possible timing. It's not easy to go into a situation where I'm feeling unsure of my footing, but sometimes there is, as Stormie O'Martian might say, only enough light for the step I'm on. At that point, I have to let go of the wheel and give up being the captain (see, I did it again! a-i-n or i-a-n? Thank the LORD for spellcheck), because if I try to accomplish the task I've set out to accomplish in my own strength, I'm done for before I even start. But when I trust in Him to work through me, now that when things start getting done. And I might even learn how to spell Christian in the process.