Tuesday, October 1, 2013

I Am Tired

I am tired.

Of being tired.

Overwhelmed, hurried, hectic and rushed.

This morning, I just wanted to go back to sleep. For a long time. The irresponsible side of me would have. Would they have been okay? Would they have survived? Of course. But not only did they need my help, other people were counting on me, too. To show up at my class on time. To make good on promises I'd made, to carry out my responsibilities at home.

Expectations. I have them. So do other people. And when expectations get placed on me, sometimes I get tired of carrying that heavy load. Some expectations are reasonable: get my kids to activities on time and with the right gear. Some expectations are not as reasonable, and most of the time, they aren't as clear cut, either: Be happy when you're not. Be supportive when you can't be. Some expectations I place on myself: Be thin. Be pretty. Be organized, have it all together, and do it All. Of. The. Time. Unreasonable? Of course. But do I have them? Sure do. And do those expectations that I have of myself cause me to feel bad when I fail? You betcha.

So when I read my devotion out of Jesus Calling by Sarah Young this morning, I was relieved. Rest. I could sure use that. A break, like stepping out of white water rapids onto the quiet shoreline. 'Rest in Me', the book said. Yes!

But when I really started thinking about it, I realized that I had no idea what that devotion was really talking about. And no surprise. I had quickly run through my list of 'devotion have-tos' this morning: I read my Bible, I prayed for the kids and my husband, I read Jesus Calling...and then I hopped up. And although what I had just read was in the back of my mind, I was much more concerned about getting my son's soccer uniform clean for tonight's game than I was about really taking to heart the true meaning of resting in Him.

I don't have time to take time out to rest in Him. Because to me, it seems like resting in Him would be physical, like a massage. I want one. I really would enjoy one. But I don't have the time to go get one.

But the more I contemplated rest, I tossed around the idea in my head that maybe rest doesn't have to be a physical thing only. Maybe I could mentally rest. In Him. And maybe I haven't been able to do that because I haven't taken a simple step first: pray about it. Ask for rest, for a mental break, for help carrying the load.

It doesn't have to be grand, or long, or formal. Prayer can be simple and to the point:

I need help!

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