So why do I keep trying so hard to take His place as The Perfect One?
It's so frustrating. You'd think if have given up by now, with thoughts like FINALLY! Now I can relax, but instead, the desire to be perfect grows inside my heart, choking out Peace and Calm and replacing them with Anxiousness and Worry.
I walked through the living room tonight and it began. I have a new rug in there, to match the walls that were painted earlier this year, but the couch that should go in there hadn't been purchased yet, making this perfectionist cringe every time I walk through. It's not perfect. It doesn't look right. Same thing happens when I see dirty dishes in the sink, piles of laundry stacked in places they shouldn't be, and tennis shoes sitting by the steps rather than neatly (I'll actually take no-so-neatly at this point) placed in their proper spot.
It's enough to make a person go mad, trying to keep up with the smallest details. It's like I'm stuck in the mud, weighed down by the muck but spinning my wheels faster (and sinking) just trying to get out.
I look at myself, wild-eyed and harried as I rush from one thing to the next and want to scream Slow down! I'm not sure what I think I might lose if I do, but I haven't been able to give up the notion that I'm earning my keep and my place in Heaven by keeping things perfect--until it all starts to unravel like a cable-knit sweater.
It's then, when things get unbalanced and out of my control, that I'll turn to God for help. If I could only remember to turn to Him beforehand, maybe it would turn out better. But maybe He wants me to see that things were never really mine to control in the first place.
I have a way of seeing the world as mine: my life, my world, my way, and occasionally I invite God in for a visit--when I think about it. But I think I've got it a little bit backwards. He made the world (Genesis 1) and then added people. To fellowship. Commune. But things really got messed up when we started thinking we could do things our way instead of His.
Most days, I'm not thinking about God first, then what step to take. I'm thinking about me first and anxiously wondering how in the world I'll get it all done. But as I spin my tires day after day (don't they say the true definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again to the same frustrating end?), one thing is for sure: my way isn't working.
His way is mercy and grace, where you don't have to earn your way into Heaven, you simply accept His grace. It's a beautiful, graceful statement of love and mercy, yet sometimes I reject it in favor of trying to earn something through perfection.
The way of grace and mercy, forgiveness and love--my heart is in desperate need of His healing balm, to remind me that my perfection isn't needed.
I can finally let go.