Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Worst. Night. Ever.

I might be a touch dramatic. So? It felt like the absolute worst night ever in the moment. My daughter had lost it, my son was about to, and I felt like I had one of two options: find support, however that may look (turns out FB was a good, quick option) or go crazy myself.

Dealing with  my mom was, at times, like walking through a minefield. You never really knew exactly what would set her off, or when, or how. She was a yeller, a person who freely expressed exactly how upset she was at you. Loudly. Sometimes in your face. Things could get ugly fast, especially when I broke protocol and yelled back.

I decided long before I ever had kids that I would not yell at them, I would not use physical force against them--I would never be a minefield they had to walk through.

I just never anticipated how quickly my levels would rise to Enough when my kids broke their own protocol and acted out.

Wild. Like caged animals.

I knew last night that this house was about to go down, and I was on board and going down with the ship. And it was sinking fast. There was no back-up, no life preserver, no Good Samaritan to stop us all from falling apart.

Two thoughts crossed my mind: when I don't know what else to do, my gut instinct is to yell. To scream. To fall apart myself. And I don't know what else to do.

Nothing gives better perspective than hindsight, and I've had enough moments where I have fallen apart to know that I don't want to have a repeat.

So I prayed.

I don't even know what I prayed for. I'm sure it wasn't a nice, well-rounded, fully thought out preacher-type prayer. There was no time. This prayer was like an SOS, a Help! I don't know what to do but I'm close to doing something I'll regret later unless You intervene NOW!

Short and to the point.

And my daughter kept right on screaming her head off and my son's face kept on getting a darker shade of red.

But I was strangely calm. Composed, even. Not happy. Definitely not amused. But calm.

If any of you lacks wisdom,
you should ask God,
who gives generously to all without finding fault,
and it will be given to you.
{james 1:5}

I was certainly lacking in wisdom last night. It felt like I was lacking a brain. I couldn't even think. All I wanted was for this particular opportunity for growth (as Lysa TerKuerst likes to put it) to go away and leave me alone. But where would we be if we didn't have those opportunities to grow and mature? Your opportunities may be at work, with friends, school, wherever. Mine just happened to be in the form of two small creatures who resembled wild beasts, forces to be reckoned with in their own right.

But He is bigger, He is stronger, and He is wiser than any circumstance we have to deal with.

The True Force to be Reckoned With.

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