Thursday, February 27, 2014

The what-ifs

I haven't written since Monday. Haven't even sat down at the computer to check my e-mail. (I've been checking it at stoplights. I do not recommend this method of e-mailing.)

Why?

It's that I've worn a track in the same stretch of road between here and my new position as an instructor at our local rec center.

It's that the house is messy and dishes need to be done. It's that homework is overwhelming and kids are needy and my husband has been relinquished to the back burner.

It's that I can't get the what-ifs out of my head. Those nagging, unrelenting thoughts about the things I love the most. They cast a dark shadow of doubt on the things I should be enjoying, but have been caught up wondering if I even should be doing them.

Like blogging. Like teaching a barre class. Like having faith.

It's a heavy burden, that doubt. Makes your shoulders sag and your head drop and your feet shuffle.

I guess the main question I ask myself is this: What if I'm not good enough?

What if I'm not good enough to take over an already-established class? What if I'm not good enough to keep a blog going long term? What if I don't have enough faith to truly see the glory of God? What if I'm not good enough to wear a bathing suit to the pool this summer?

(I know, that last one is kind of shallow. But still.)

What if?

In my more sane moments, I wonder why we do this to ourselves, because I know I'm not the only one.

The easiest one-liner I've ever heard is "Give all your doubts to God."

OK.

If you live in a fantasy world where giving your doubts to God is a one-time thing and you never think about them again.

Don't get me wrong. I agree one hundred percent with the sentiment. It's just a lot easier said than done, and it's not a simple, one-time deal.

For me, it all starts in the head, where those thoughts originate. I have to fight myself every day, because my thoughts are intrinsically negative. Focusing on the positive is like peeling old wallpaper. While I like the end result, the work sucks. That glue is strong stuff.

Old habits die hard. Negative thinking included.

But I do believe that the more I force myself to think positively and to operate from a thankful heart, the more I'll be able to combat those what-if doubts that tend to creep in from morning til night. Turning a thankful heart towards God for all the blessings that flow, from a beautiful sunrise to food on the table, is a good way to see the abundance that is showered upon us on a daily basis.

I have this written on a chalkboard in my house, where I can see it every single day:

 

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