Monday, April 14, 2014

Don't Quit

This morning has been a two-cup morning. Of tea, that is. (I Do Not Drink Coffee, remember?). After two nights of staying up past my bedtime (I'm not even going to tell you my bedtime because I'm embarrassed. 9:30.), and then forgetting to turn off my 5:20AM alarm this morning (see, I threw that in there because I'm not ashamed that I get up at 5:20. Right? Because I told you twice already that I get up at 5:20.), I'm tired. But it doesn't hit me right away. It waits until about 8AM, when I really need to be accomplishing things, and then I'm literally fighting to keep my eyelids from closing.

My sister and her husband were visiting this weekend, and I'm willing to forgo a little sleep to squeeze out as much time as I can with them. They are two of my favorite people on the entire planet, hands down, and they're totally worth it.

Because my sister and I are close and share everything with each other, I was expressing concern over the fact that even though I work out so hard and eat right, my stomach is still flabby. Ugh. And I would know, because I have a full length mirror in my closet that reveals all my flaws.

And she looked at me.

And looked at me some more.

"I think you need to be content with the body you have and not try all the time to always have the perfect body."

Oh, I am, I assured her. And then she looked at me with a look only she has, where she knits her eyebrows together and scrunches up her cute little nose, and then she said, "Hmmm, I don't think you are."

Hm.

Because I was expecting her to say...not that. Be content with not having perfection? But that's me. I'm a perfectionist. It's what I do. It's how I live. It's what I want. It's who I am.

And, well, I can't help who I am.

{Insert a shrug of the shoulders and a toss of the hair.}

It's a good excuse. I am who I am and I just can't change who I am. It's also incredibly stubborn and flimsy.

I looked to my husband to support my arguement. "But I've come a long way, haven't I?" He agreed. I've grown and matured and am no longer the person I was a year ago, or three years ago, or five. But is that a good enough excuse to just stop? To just say "I've come a long way and now I'm done"? To be content with where I am and fold my hands and say "this is it"?

It could be anything. It could be "I'm just an angry person", or "I'm just an over-emotional person", or "I'm just a control-freak", or "I'm just a perfectionist", or "I'm just a negative person", and even though you know it's not really working out so well for you, you think it's who you are so you simply cannot change.

I used to hate myself and I used to love/hate food. I loved food because it made me feel better and I hated it because of instead of representing nourishment and energy, it represented calories and weight gain. And I hated myself because I tried so hard to control everything that went into my mouth, and yet I couldn't control it all, and I became so obsessed with food and calories and body image that it would affect all the other areas of my life.

One step forward, two steps back.

I still have those tendancies. I do. Standing in my kitchen, talking to my sister. She could see it. And instead of ignoring it and agreeing with me, she called me out on it. That's what sisters do. They don't let their sisters sit in a pit, fold their hands and give in to their tendancies and bad habits.

They say "Hey! You are much more than the size of your tummy. You are made for more than worrying about a little paunch. Here's my hand. Let me help you up. Dust off your pants and get back in the game! Keep fighting. Don't stop growing and learning and maturing. Don't quit."

Sometimes, I'm willing to sit back and accept myself for the controlling perfectionist I don't want to be anymore. Sometimes I'm just tired of fighting against myself.

But the fight is not over until the day you draw your very last breath this side of Heaven.

So, friend to friend, let me tell you:

You were made for more than worrying about your weight, or the way you look in those jeans, or a bad haircut, or the weight on the scale, or crow's feet, or how many calories you ate yesterday. Your body is a machine. Look what you do in a day. Holding your child. Running. Jumping. Clapping. Laughing. Walking. Thinking. Breathing. Seeing. Hearing.

Have you gotten discouraged?

Here's my hand. Let me help you up. Dust off your pants and get back in the game. Keep fighting. Don't stop growing and learning and maturing.

Don't quit.

2 comments:

  1. I love this post! You are growing and maturing and becoming more and more beautiful every day. I love you!

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    1. Thank you for being honest with me. You are the reason I was able to write this post. No one wants to stay stuck. We help each other out of the pit of defeat and discouragement. And speaking of beautiful, girlfriend, that's you. I love you, too!!

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