Monday, April 21, 2014

the ceo

You want to know my biggest issue?

I like to be in control. Of everything.

(Except planning vacations. I leave that to someone else, although sometimes the destination leaves me wishing I had taken the reins. Who am I kidding? I'm not a planner, I'm a controller. Ask me, and I will tell you/direct you.)

OK. So the other night, my husband walked into our room and switched two of the pillow cases. (Or at least I thought he was switching two of the pillow cases. As it turns out, he was just putting the zipper side of the pillow "protector" on the inside of the same case. Anyhow.)

I looked at him with a steady side-eye.


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And then I asked, "Ummm...what are you doing?'

I think he probably rolled his eyes at me. Because he knows.

I wasn't asking out of concern for his safety (one must guard against random zipper attacks in the night). I wanted to know exactly why he was messing with the pillow cases, plain and simple.

Have I ever told you how picky I am about the decor in my house? Right down to the pillow cases, it would appear.

(They have to match, otherwise the whole bed looks stupid.)

Some things I'd like to control: other people.

(I'd also like to control the color of the brick brick the builders in my neighborhood choose, but they refuse to ask my council. Very aggravating.)

You've heard that you can't control other people, right? So have I. This does not stop me from trying. I'm persistent in my endeavors, I'll give myself that much.

It's very exhausting to try to control other people. If I were smart about it, I'd let God do His job and just sit back and relax. Take a break. But no. I feel I am as good (or better?) at living other people's lives as they are, I suppose.

Sometimes I think that in my heart of hearts, way back there where thoughts occur that no one else is supposed to know about, I think this: that I would do a better job at being God than God does.

Oh. Now I've really said it. (Sorry.)

But honestly. Sometimes all that pride just bubbles up, and I think that I've got this. All of it.

Thank you very much.

Then life throws a few curve balls, and it is very obvious that I do NOT got anything. But in my human haze, I deal enough to move on, and then I'm right back where I started. Giving people the side-eye and asking them what the HECK they think they are doing with the pillow cases.

Would a country be well-run with two Presidents, or a company with two CEO's? Or would a plane be better flown with two pilots? Probably not. Invariably, the issue of power and control would arise, right?

The bigger question is this: can I trust God to run things in my life as smoothly and efficiently as I think I can...and have tried?

There is nothing smooth or efficient about controlling every morsel of food that touches my lips. That has issues written all over it, but I still try. Daily.

I'm tired.

Not working out so well for me. This CEO is failing miserably. I think I need Someone who knows what He is doing to take my place. Someone I can depend on. Someone who knows me better than I know myself.

My help and glory are in God
—granite-strength and safe-harbor-God—
So trust him absolutely, people;
lay your lives on the line for him.
God is a safe place to be.
{psalm 62:7}

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