Friday, May 9, 2014

tell me--am i good enough?

There is a small (the "small" part might be a lie) part of me that wants a huge following.

In bible study. In blogging. In teaching.

In everything.

Maybe I love to talk about me (clearly.) Maybe I'm a glory hog. Maybe I need other people to affirm my awesomeness.

I don't know.

Yesterday only one person came to my class.


Now, before you go and think I'm a complete loser who is failing at life (which is how I might feel sometimes, it's true), understand that three people were on vacation, so I knew they wouldn't be there, one was unaccounted for, leaving the one who showed up.


And if you can do simple math, then you have already figured out that this means that there are only five people in my class to begin with.


About six weeks ago, in March, I was offered a job to teach a Barre class, but would be replacing Amazing Barre Yoga Girl who had been teaching this Barre class for a long time and had quite a following. People who took the class love, love, love her, and during the last few weeks before her departure, I was invited to take her class just to get a feel for how things go.

Observation No. 1: People were packed in that room, mat-to-mat
Observation No. 2: She did a lot of yoga, as a certified yoga instructor
Observation No. 3: Sadly, I am not her and have been unable to carry on her legacy

I've received mostly positive feedback. (One person said they didn't sweat enough. So okay. Harder workouts.)

Hey! Doing a great job! Love what you're doing!

Not coming back.


Amazing Barre Yoga Girl went to another studio to teach, and a lot of people went to that studio with her.

Must be nice to have a following. I wouldn't know.

My husband has been supportive, offering encouragement when I feel down and nice words when things aren't looking up. He says that I'll have to build my own class just like Amazing Barre Yoga Girl did when she first started, and that the population of people who are available to exercise during the day is thin anyway.

He's a good guy.

But it still doesn't stop that tiny voice in the back of my head from shouting all sorts of mean and inappropriate insults at me.

I'm not good enough.

I'm a terrible teacher.

Nobody likes my class.

I may as well just quit.

{Insert slumped shoulders and a frown.}

Is there anything on this earth that can fill that void?

Beauty? No.

Job? Sorry.

Other people? I'm shaking my head no.

Money? Causes mo' problems (got that from the Notorious B.I.G.)

Fame? Drugs? Power? Popularity? Kids? Husbands? Alcohol? Perfection? Cars? Houses? Possessions? Sleep? (okay, so sleep is a maybe...)

No, no, no, no,no, no, no, no, and nope.

How do I know this? Because I've tried most of them (except the fame part, obvi, even though I think it would be fun to be famous for a week).

I am reading a book by Lysa TerKeurst called "Am I Messing Up My Kids?" (because sometimes I really need to know--Am I??), and in it she talks about how she asks God to fill her--not just sometimes, but all the time.

"...I must let God fill me. I must let His approval fill up the desperation in my heart. I need to stop searching, stop questioning, stop the unrealistic expectations of others." (Lysa TerKeurst)

I won't say I'm not disappointed by my class attendance, and I won't pretend that it doesn't bother me when it feels like people are choosing Amazing Barre Yoga Girl over me. I need to work hard and continue to build my classes up. But I can continue to walk down a path of defeat and disappointment, or I can ask God to fill my heart so that I don't need to get approval from others to let me know I'm an okay person.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, 
for his compassions never fail. 
They are new every morning; 
great is your faithfulness.
 I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; 
therefore I will wait for him"
{lamentations 3: 22-24}

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