Thursday, May 15, 2014

attitude transformation

She came down this morning, scowl on her pretty face.

"I. Don't. Have. ANYTHING. To. Wear."

I inwardly rolled my eyes and gave her a few suggestions.

None of them made the final cut.

Whatever.

Oh, how I wish she could see that the world is bigger than the outfit you choose to wear or how your hair looks on any given day.

I envisioned a mission trip to...to...to anywhere but here, proving to her once and for all that life isn't about how you look.

But with my own security still tied up daily in how I look, the lesson would be as much for me as it would be for her.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, they say.

I guess "they" are right.

I have such pale skin. It's been an annoyance to me since I realized that tan skin is what you want, and pale skin is what I got. Add to it that the veins beneath my skin are particularly blue, and are starting to stick out in a most unappealing and appalling fashion, and you have what I like to call ugly.

Just ugly.

And cain't nobody argue that one.

Who wants varicose veins when they haven't even hit the ripe old age of 40 yet???

Not I.

I tried to get them worked on, and instead of making them better, that doctor made them much, much worse.

I wish I'd never gone to that guy. I still give him the side-eye when I see his stupid ads on stupid billboards and the stupid tv.

I might be a touch resentful over that one.

Never mind the fact that my husband asked me to get a second opinion. I should have followed his advice and not the doctor's.

I'm still mad about it. And the fact that my ugly veins are bulging from my ugly legs.

It's enough to make me cry, just like my daughter did this morning over her clothes. When I rolled my eyes at her. And told her that she could certainly find another outfit that worked.

She was mad about it, oh yes she was.

Just like me?

Just. Like. Me.

Veins and clothes are not the same thing, I keep telling myself.

Because one is permanent.

So I've voiced my complaint to God every single day since I termed my legs ugly, hoping and wishing and praying that He will heal the veins. I know He can. I know He hears me.

So far, they look the same.

I wonder if God just looks at me, asking the same question I ask my daughter: when will you realize that the world is bigger than how you look?

I'm aware of the extreme need in the world, although not as aware as perhaps I should be. I listen to the news and see the pictures of people who could probably care less if their veins are blue or purple or green. They need food, clean water, and an end to violence that threatens them every day.

Yet I still choose to focus on my legs.

It makes me unhappy. It really does. I compare with other people's vein-less legs. I compare with pictures in magazines. I compare with Jennifer Lopez every single time she walks out onto that American Idol stage in a very short skirt (and then I wonder how she gets so close to the edge of the stage, because can't people below see all her goodies?).

Pretty soon I forget all about the world. And all the focus is on me, me, me, me, me.

I'll share something I'm not too proud of: It's a daily struggle for me to not think about me and only me. It is. I think I know what's best for me, and how to achieve it. But after a while of all that thinking about just me, it can start to make me feel a little sick in the head, and I start to get a little bitter and resentful because nothing is good enough.

I have mistakenly believed I must fill my mind with thoughts of myself-my dreams, hurts, improvements, happiness. But too much thinking has left me unhealthy. It's time to live stronger than this. {angela thomas, stronger}

I think I need an attitude transformation.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind...For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgement, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.
{romans 12:2-3}

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