Thursday, August 7, 2014

Hero to Zero

Evidently, every virtual diva and dude on my daughter's High School Story app needs new duds, books, rings (?), and other sundries. All for the low, low price of $9.99. What virtual high school student doesn't want new threads? I just prefer to spend my money on actual threads, not simulated ones. So when AB asked to spend her money on HSS, I said no. Why should I encourage her to waste her money? This was apparently the wrong answer, as an argument ensued over why does mom get to choose how I spend my money and why do you get to say no and I don't like that and I am not wasting my money I'm buying books and then SLAM.

Why her arguments are always punctuated with a door slam I'll never know.

Hello.

My name is Heather and I am failing at life.

Not really, I suppose, because there are a few successful areas. Like I got up this morning.

And the bed is made. Plus I showered so I smell better than I did an hour ago.

It's not that the house is in a perpetual state of messy, which bothers me to no end and regrettably offends my other half. It's not that I'm living my life in a rush to do everything (even go to sleep). It's not that the contents of my bathroom drawers are still dumped out on the counter in an attempt at organizing them, proving that I am terrible at getting a project actually completed. It's not that at least once a day, a door gets slammed in this house due to the (real or imagined) vexation of the slamm-er. It's not that I've been one to two minutes late picking up my son from camp everyday, a fact he pointed out to me yesterday when he exclaimed brightly "Hey! You didn't forget about me today!" (um, excuse me, but when have I ever forgotten about you??), and it's not that the feedback from the class I taught today was that it was too hard and too much and it just may completely bomb because I cannot seem to find that magic blend of perfection that makes people want to keep coming back. 

Therefore I will not keep silent; 
I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit, 
I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.
{job 7:11}

It's all of these things combined.

I mean, what is it? It's not that I want to suck at life. I do try really, really hard to parent my children wisely, make classes fun, make life interesting. (And organized.)

I've been watching people lately. Some are just born with a charisma that you can't fake, that draws people in. They are witty and charming, amiable and absolutely engaging, making fun out of boredom and drawing people in by just their smile. 

I am not one of those people. I've tried, but I think I come across as fake, because, well, it is. I am reserved and quiet, somewhat disagreeable, slightly on the negative side and have been known to be contentious just for contentious sake. (P.S. I do not like these qualities about myself but am henceforth at a loss as to how to change me.) I am, in the words of Yes, the owner of a lonely heart. With a zero on her forehead.

I wish that I could be like the cool kids
'Cause all the cool kids, they seem to get it.
{cool kids, echosmith}

And where is God in all this mess that's going on in my head? What does He have to say on the matter? I know what I think He'll say, but in all my praying and talking and yelling and telling and then answering for Him, He's been agonizingly silent. No word from above. No divine hugs. No prophetic messages. 

Lord, you have seen this; 
do not be silent. 
Do not be far from me, Lord.
{psalm 35:22}

Can I please just have the Midas touch and be done? I'd really like that.

In reality, I don't think I have any idea about God. I know what I think I've learned in church, and through bible studies, and I've spent a lot of time in His words, but I have no idea. None. I've folded Him and squeezed Him into a little box, thinking of Him not as the wild and free God that He is, but as a God that does what works best for me.

So what do I know of you
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shores along your ocean?
{what do I know of holy, addison road}

I don't have any answers, but I do have plenty of questions. How do I merge what He wants from me with what I want from Him? What, exactly, does He want from me? When will I know? How will I know? 

And the apostles said "Lord, increase our faith!"
{luke 17:5}

Faith. Faith to believe something I cannot see, to have confidence in something I cannot touch.

Faith.

I need some of that. 

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