Wednesday, August 20, 2014

I'm Not Her

I read a devotion from Proverbs 31 Ministries nearly everyday. It's just part of my daily quiet time. And while I can't always relate to what a particular woman is going through, I can generally glean a life truth from their words.

Two days ago, Jen Hatmaker, posted her view on raising the kids we have, not the kids we were, and at first, I was right there with her. Of course. This is obvious, isn't it? To not gather up our own experiences, fears, successes and failures and cast them onto on our kids. I really like Jen's blog, and she's totally relate-able, so I read eagerly, searching for the nuggets of truth I could apply to my own life, to my own parenting; a truth that would ease the guilt of not taking my kids to church every Sunday, the guilt of forgetting to do an devotion with them every morning, of slacking off where I should be working hard at developing their faith.

But then she started talking about a discussion with her son about missionaries (do my kids even really know what missionaries do?), modern thought, and postmodern thought, and how many of today's kids are postmodern thinkers, those souls who want to better the world and reach out to love the unlovely, I felt so guilty I could have melted into the floor. Not only does Jen Hatmaker talk the talk, she also evidently walks the walk--kids in tow. They serve. They talk. They do.

I must lead with my life, not just my lips.
{jen hatmaker}

I have a heart that thinks serving others is a fantastic idea, but I get caught up in the day-to-day that takes up all my time, and honestly, by the end of the day, serving is the last thing on my mind. I'm doing really well to be the places that I need to be on time and prepared. Sometimes I'm one or the other, and sometimes I'm neither, like tonight at soccer, where my son practiced for 90 minutes with no water or rec specs because we forgot both.

I believe our kids will be less likely to get lost in culture if they have experienced the dynamic, loving, radical Jesus. When they know Him in a life-changing way, they learn to engage culture as a change agent and advocate without getting tainted by its influence. This is how God designed the Kingdom. He raises up disciples and releases them on the planet.
{jen hatmaker}

My problem is, I'm not sure my children have really experienced the dynamic, loving, radical Jesus because their mother, although I try to walk out what I believe, isn't showing Him to them.

It's been bothering me for days, ever since I read that post on the P31 website. I've been questioning everything I do and say. Is it enough for them to really experience what Jen Hatmaker is talking about--the dynamic, loving, radical Jesus?

Sometimes, I just have lots of questions with no real answers. I think I know what I'd tell me if I were someone coming to me for advice, but I'm also questioning the basis for my answers. How do I really know what is right and true, and what is just coming from what I think I know?

But I know what my friend Stacey would tell me to do. Pray. Just pray, pray, pray. Pray until you think you can't pray anymore and then pray some more.

I keep my eyes always on the Lord. 
With Him at my right hand, 
I will not be shaken.
{psalm 16:8}

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