Thursday, January 22, 2015

As-Is (Me, That Is)

For most of the thirty-seven years that I have lived on this planet, I have had serious issues really believing that God's love is enough for me and my wide-open, oftentimes wandering heart, leading me to emulate others--especially those who were more than I ever thought I would or could ever be.

People I Have Tried To Copy or At Least Look Sorta Like:

1. Brooke Shields (especially during the "Blue Lagoon" era of popularity--I had a doll)
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2. Christy Brinkley (who didn't want to copy that sunshiny persona?)

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3. Mariah Carey (the most diva-tastic of them all, but I especially loved a) her hair--not happening for me b) her skin--also not happening for me c) her style--leading me to ask my dad if I could borrow his leather bike jacket...sooooooo not the same when the jacket you are wearing is three sizes too big and d) her voice--in my dreams) I also may or may not own almost every single MC CD. 

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4. Kelly Kapowski (I know, random, right? I think I just wanted my own Zach Morris plus a set of mini-skirts worn with Keds and a school where you didn't actually have to do any work because the principal was an idiot)

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 5. KK (you may not like Kim, but she has to-die-for style and is very beautiful)
Image result for kim kardashian
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**6. (I got going with my day (cleaning the kitchen, a chore that I find quite enjoyable--is that weird?) and realized I forgot a major beauty influence! One Miss Marilyn Monroe, sex kitten extrodannaire)
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So I permed and watched straightened and copied and sang (not good) and bought clothes and makeup and shoes and looked in the mirror every night and wondered what I was doing wrong and why I wasn't more like the women I admired.

My heart got all tangled up in the effort to look like or be like someone else, losing myself in the process. 

I just walked by the mirror in the dining room on the way to get some coffee from the kitchen. Mocha Swirl. (!) But as I walked by and got a glimpse of myself, dark glasses framing my eyes, hair awkwardly pulled back (and flipped on the ends, which I hate, and I cannot figure out why this head of hair will not just cooperate and turn IN instead of OUT), no makeup on--I immediately judged myself. 

And then for like the first time ever, I stopped myself mid-way.


Why is it that I can be kind, forgiving even, and ever so complementary to those who I admire, but I don't extend the same goodness to myself?

I've spent so much time trying to figure out how to fit someone else's mold that I forgot about me. I forgot about the fact that I am empowered to figure out for myself what is beautiful. 

Hahahahaha! Cats make
me laugh!
I call it being stuck.

A mindset. An attitude. A perspective.

Just stuck.

And with the fresh start of a newly organized closet and the freedom from trying to fit into clothes that no longer flatter my body (because they don't reside in my closet anymore so I can't look at them wistfully and think this time next summer...), it's easy to see where I have been stuck. 

Now it's time to start getting unstuck.

Yes, I can see you nodding your head and thinking that we all need to get unstuck from something. (Or somebody, but that's an entirely different post.)  This is where the rubber meets the road--where we begin something, and now we must see it through to the finish. (Maybe you don't have issues with fizzling out half-way through a project, but I have a serious problem with seeing them all the way to the end. This might be because I tend to get excited about them to begin with, but the work is always more than I expected and it isn't nearly as exciting as it was in the beginning. Hence the half-done projects around the house. Hey, everything takes time to get it right.)

Just be a tough act to follow,
You know, a free spirit, 
With a wild heart.
{miguel, simplethings}

A tough act to follow doesn't try to copy acts that are already-in-progress.

There is freedom in just being the person I was created to be, flippy hair and perceived flaws and imperfections, because then I'm not trying so hard to live up to someone else's standard or expectations.

It takes some mindpower to create a new habit, and, as they say, old habits die hard. Including those habits of the brain that take time and some new thinking patterns in order to change. My old stuck mindset says I must look like KK and sing like Mariah so that I can like myself.

My new mindset says I can like myself as-is. (!!)

No voice lessons necessary.

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