Have school today. Because of snow.
It's all anybody can talk about, which I suppose is a positive, because there isn't more going on in this town. No crime sprees, no major vandalizations, , no political drama, no lions opening car doors...(true story--go watch). Just this. Schools out! And the weather! And will we have spring break! And it's ridiculous! And so on...
I am fine with school being out, but no one wants to snuggle anymore. The first week we were out, we were all cozy and lovey and happy to be alive. Now everyone is tired and no one wants to love and everyone wants to go outside but there is snow all over the ground. In March. Near my birthday.
Today, I am expecting a visitor to my class, one that will interview me and film some of the class. It's only for the local cable channel, but I am still a little bit terrified of a) the camera and b) being asked questions. I found myself daydreaming this morning, thinking about the upcoming Interview, wondering what questions he could possibly be asking, and if I will answer them in a way that will put me in a positive light. Will I look stupid? Will I look like I know what I'm talking about? Will I even be able to speak?
Will my hair look okay? Will anyone notice my shoes?
Followed by: who will see this? Because I don't have cable, so I won't even see.
Maybe they will put it online. But I hate still pictures of me. How can I watch a video of me?
Have you ever had such a major lack of confidence that you were completely paralyzed by it?
If you haven't, we need to speak, stat. And you should be writing this blog on how to not be paralyzed by a lack of confidence.
But I don't know how that feels. And since I don't know how that feels, and I am feeling a little less than confident this morning, I'm writing it down, hoping that someone who stares at the same moon I do can relate.
Last summer, I was asked to speak to a group at my church. Not large, but intimidating. (About confidence. What else?) I was actually hoping to come down with ebola or something the day of, so I would never have to speak again, but in hindsight, ebola is much worse than speaking in front a small group. Of anybody. But the same questions and worries and anxieties ran the same track in my head for days on end. (I was actually pretty confident about my shoes. That was it.)
Moses had a pretty severe lack of confidence when he was asked to go before the Egyptian pharaoh and inform him that the servants he had been relying on for the past couple of years were actually just going to be leaving. Thank you very much.
I guess that sort of news would set any world leader on edge. Especially with the P.S. of "hey, we don't actually like you, anyways". But when Moses argued with God over having to go speak, God was having none of it. Basically, Moses was the one God had chosen for the job, and He wasn't having any of this "but I'm not good enough, I can't speak, please send someone else" word vomit.
I will be with you.
Confidence isn't for the weak of heart.
And it is being stripped away. Daily. If we let it happen.
So we have a choice, and it is a tough one. Do we believe the lies, that we are nothing and never will be and we have nothing to offer and no purpose to the life we live other than to go through each day on autopilot? Or do we live--and believe--that no matter what, we have a purpose. We are gifted. Beautiful. Loved. We have something to offer.
Whether we actually believe these things about ourselves doesn't actually make the truth of it go away.
So you and I can hide our faces, shrink behind a lack of confidence, living in insecurity and fear and angst and never reach our full potential in Christ. OR, we can embrace what we have been given and go with it, knowing that we are never out of His sight or His grasp.
I'm not sure I'll ever be comfortable in front of a group or a camera, however small or large my audience is. But it doesn't really matter, because my true audience is an audience of One. My mission is to glorify Him. So if no one notices my shoes and they think my haircut is atrocious (which I sincerely hope no one does, but it is firmly out of my control what other people think), and I screw up my one on-camera interview, I can walk away knowing that a) it isn't the end of the world because no one died (except for me, maybe, a little bit, on the inside) and b) my confidence does not come from these things. Ever.
I got this.