A lot has been going on this week, including both of my children staying home from school at least one day due to a mystery illness that no one can quite pinpoint, yet one that makes them sick enough to be sent home/stay home from school. I also have been frantically preparing for a talk on the topic of insecurity, which, by the way, is not so different from anxiety, that I am giving on Saturday. And I keep thinking is there anyone less qualified than me to give a talk on insecurity? I wouldn't imagine there is, but from the feedback I received when I asked "What is your number one insecurity?", lots of people deal with it. In fact, I haven't met a single person yet who doesn't deal with some sort of insecurity, and it ranges anywhere from "um, my whole body and everything about me" to "how will I manage if something happens to my husband" to "my children's future".
Part of me imagines that people will come from all over to hear me speak, but then I wake up. Because there is this small part of me that would like to have that magic combination of clever wordiness, charm and biblical knowledge that so many other people seem to have. But then I have to take a long, hard look at who I'm hoping to glorify, and since I know it's me, I have to take a step back. Self is the absolute worst person to glorify, even though this "me first" mentality is exalted as the best way to live life, if you've ever lived for only one person, you know it doesn't work out so well.
There is also a part of me that would like for all the insecurities I have to stay hidden and secret, because really, who likes to be that vulnerable? It's not something I always enjoy, because I am fearful of judgement being passed, people backing away, not wanted to deal with my issues and all the stuff that comes with knowing and loving me. And since one of my fears is also being lonely, it would make sense that I would want to appear to have it all pulled together to the world at large. But since a) I know you know that no one has it all together all the time and b) I know that we can relate on some level to the insecurities we face, I decided to put it all out there and cross my fingers that no one says "hey, I can't deal with you anymore, you are too much". (And anyway, if someone truly feels that way, which at some point is probably unavoidable, then it may just be time to move on. I remember listening to speaker one time, several years ago, talking about friendships. Some friendships are lifetime friendships, and some are for a certain time of life, which is hard, but every person has been placed in your life for a reason.I remember looking at my friend, her face reflecting the same shock I felt, both of us wondering could we be that friend for a season??? because neither of us wanted that, but I had lunch with that same friend just yesterday to celebrate her birthday, and I am confident that ours is a lifetime friendship, and if you have one of those, take a minute to say thank you for how truly blessed you are.)
Insecurities are hard. They cause you to hear things that weren't actually said and to assume things that aren't actually true. (An old acquaintance, who also happened to be the wife of a family therapist, said that he would ask her what she heard him say vs. what he actually said, and sometimes they were two entirely different things.) But if we can work through those insecurities and learn to glorify God and to love life, the horizon might not look so gloomy, am I right?
Saturday is creeping up quickly, and while I'm nervous, I'm also excited. Maybe three people will come, maybe 20, but relating and growing together has been my goal since the inception of this blog. Even if we can't speak face-to-face, I hope that we can still learn and grow forging ahead to freedom from insecurity. It is possible!