Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Don't Quit (and a smoothie recipe!)

You know it's going to be a good day when you make yourself a smoothie for breakfast and discover the full-fat traditional plain Greek yogurt you bought last week at the grocery store because they were out of the nonfat actually tastes like ice cream. Never mind that your smoothie has kale and healthiness in it.* It tastes good.

You also know it's going to be a good day when you get to talk to one of your good friends before you really have gotten your day started. For an entire hour. 

Last night I was positive that good days would never come my way ever again. Only because I don't jump my hurdles easily. I get bewildered and frustrated and depressed and then just want to quit. Quit life.

"I don't want to be a parent anymore." I informed my husband of the new plan that doesn't include parenting last night somewhere around the eight o'clock hour. The witching hour.

"Um, well, you are one, so you have to be one." Sometimes that guy is so unsympathetic to my plight.

"Oh, no," I assured him. "I'm quitting."

"That is not an option." Then bye-bye. Not even hug or a pat on the back for doing a good job of not actually quitting, just saying I was going to. Hm.

I need an on-call life coach or something. Because everything last night was a tragedy.

Including the fact that I couldn't take my shower until 9PM. That was especially tragic. And my hair. That mess is pretty tragic, too.

Is there a part of life that is easy? Not really. Not parts of life that mean something, that's for sure. Parenting remains to me one of those obscure and enigmatic mysteries of the universe that I have been called to do but am unsure what it really means. What I do know is that it takes a heck of a lot out of a person, and sometimes, I am selfish enough to just want to quit.

Saying you want to quit doesn't mean you don't love your kids or your spouse or your spouse's grandma; it just means that at the end of the day, in the most witching of witching hours, turning in your 3-weeks notice--actually effective immediately--sounds easier that coming up with a new battle plan.

I don't know why I struggle with this, putting my words and thoughts down on paper. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of being judged because I'm struggling with thoughts of really wanting to give up. I don't think I'm alone, but then again, the Good Parents don't talk about quitting. They don't talk about the Death Crawl to bed at night. And they certainly don't talk about struggling and feeling bad about it. I've had those thoughts, like what if they don't want their child to hang out with my child anymore and is my child heading down a destructive path and I want to stop this but don't know how. And those thoughts keep me quiet. And isolated and alone.

{facing the giants}

But the answer is not to quit. The answer is to Death Crawl to the 50 with 160 pounds of dead weight on your back, because you are an influential player on your team, and if you walk around defeated, so will your team.  

You are the most influential player on this team.
If you walk around defeated, so will they.
{facing the giants}

So if I can be of any encouragement to you right now, in the battle that you are currently facing, I want to tell you that false smiles belie what's really going on inside. Be honest. Be open. Be real.

And don't quit. Don't quit. Don't quit.

*Chocolate Cherry Smoothie (adapted from Unleash Your Thin)

1 cup almond milk
1/2 cup cherries (I used frozen)
handful of kale or spinach
1 tbsp soaked chia seeds
1 heaping tbsp cocoa powder
2 heaping tbsp plain Greek yogurt

Blend and serve. Enjoy :)

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