Saturday, September 3, 2016

hurt

Wow. So. Here I am. Letting words spill honestly from my soul, pen to paper (so to speak), and it's hard to even really know where to begin. It's been months--MONTHS--since I've so much as written a sentence on this blog, yet I see it's still up and running. I don't know what I expected. I haven't even checked in on it til now. I feel the push and pull of time, mainly, but also of insecurity. Doubt and uncertainty fill my head until I throw my hands up in the air, giving in to the moment and what I perceive as it's harsh reality. But reality is more about perspective than what is actually real, I've discovered, and as I stood at the sink today, plunging dishes into the hot water, feeling the warmth through my plastic gloves, the words just came tumbling out. In my mind, of course, since I am alone today and have no one to actually talk to but myself. I embrace alone, relish it really, since I am somewhat of an introvert and could probably survive a few days with just texting and no actual human contact. But of course I have an extroverted side that likes people and activity and music and commotion and at the age of 20 would have done just about anything to go to a club and dance the night away, then go home and stay in for a week. I'm complicated like that, I suppose, with opposing sides of a complicated personality that occasionally get in the way of each other. But. That's me.

The reason the words just came tumbling out today, of all the days to no longer stay contained, is because I've thought them before, I've just never formed them into actual ideas or sentences. Never even tried to form a complete thought, just allowed those thoughts to rumble around in my brain until, well, here we are, as they refuse to stay contained, and while I could just write them down on any old scrap of paper, this blog has long been a source of, shall I say...release (?) for me. An outlet, if you will. And as many times over the past months as my fingers have itched to say something, my brain has just as quickly shut it down, giving every kind of excuse as to why I should be D-O-N-E with this writing business. Beginning with 1) blogging isn't even a thing anymore, have you heard of YouTube? and b) does anyone actually read anyway? Which, to be sure, number two has always been my number one insecurity. But at this point in my journey, I have to say that I guess it doesn't really matter who reads or who doesn't read, since the world doesn't revolve around me anyway. The beautiful people on Instagram, Facebook and YouTube...oh, and SnapChat, too, well, they would probably beg to differ, but for me, I have to get outside of myself or I think I make myself sick. Like emotionally sick. Did you know that's actually a thing? That intense self-focus (good or bad, I guess) can actually make a person soul-sick?

So here I am, on a Saturday when I could be doing a zillion other important things, writing down my dish-scrubbing, chaotic thoughts. Trying hard not to be soul-sick, but maybe failing just a little bit at it.

The thing is, I don't think I'm a bad person. I guess everyone has their own definition of what a "bad person" might be, but my own definition withstanding, a bad person would not be defined as me. That said, I'm also not such a good person that I could never, ever be defined as not bad. I just feel like that maybe I am misunderstood, which may be the worst of them all. At least "good" and "bad" have definitions attached, but misunderstood? I get the feeling that people make assumptions about me based on what I say and do (okay, so who doesn't do that?), but fail to actually try and get to know me. Like just get to know me for me. I think I'm a pretty decent friend, although I have found in my friendships that no one will ever say if you aren't being a decent friend. They might, however, say a word when you aren't around, which can be hurtful. I mean, we all do it, and we don't think anything about it until it affects us directly. I don't know what people say about me, actually, I'm just figuring I know enough about basic human nature to know they do. But I have been criticized for the choices I've made, generally centering around the way I choose to eat and things of that nature, and here is where I feel misunderstood. I would like to meet someone who says "hey, that Heather, she cooks vegan meals four times a week, and I think she's a pretty cool girl" or "you know, she's trying really, really hard to keep her family healthy" or "I respect you and your choices" instead of the opposite, which is what I've mainly encountered. Does it really matter, in the grand scheme of things, what other people think? I mean honestly, we all know the answer to that. Or at least what we are supposed to say, which is "of course not!". Isn't that what we teach our kids, just be yourself, you do you, all those great sayings? But inside I do care what people think, and sometimes it's hard to hear the negative.

I'm not a difficult person. I don't think so, anyway. I don't mean to be. (False. Sometimes I mean to be, but that's not very often.) I certainly don't like to be thought of as such. I think I feel hurt, and while I recognize the hurt and know that holding onto the hurt is really only hurting me, I still hold on because I keep thinking about it. Why? I say to myself. It's silly! Just let go! Except I can't seem to do that, at least not very effectively, and I stand at the sink on a Saturday and instead of enjoying the view out the back window, I let thoughts tumble around until they become bulls in a china shop, completely tearing everything down.

I suppose I'd like to just be appreciated for being me, all my silly quirks and crazy thoughts, all the ideas that I blurt out and the songs I think are funny or gross or inappropriate but I dance like a crazy person to them anyway, the healthy recipes I am intrigued by that I try out on the daily. (I have found, through vegan cooking, a love for cooking that I previously underestimated! I'm not vegan, by the way, I just find myself cooking that way often.). I can't please the people who have different expectations of me, or who want me to be someone I'm not, or who want me to change to fit who they think I should be for them, or who think I'm wrong and they're right, or who have just totally given up on me because I am not ___________. (That's several people, and dang, it's hard when people just, you know, give up and move on, especially when you aren't ready, especially, especially when you don't really know why.) You can't please everybody. Someone used to tell me that. But, conversely, do I please anybody? That's what my mind says, when no one is looking and I have an alone day and I'm washing dishes at the sink. You only need to please God! I've heard that, too. But human relationships are good and frankly, I want them, and want more of them, and I want a lot of them.

My hurt causes me to close up, put up walls, be polite but not necessarily friendly. Because I DON'T WANT TO. Honestly, it doesn't seem that hard to understand. Does that make me difficult? Maybe. It's certainly not being the Pied Piper of people.

I feel the pull of time again. Timers for spaghetti sauce (supper club is tomorrow, and this sauce is best the next day!) are going off, my phone is alerting me to incoming texts, and I have to take a shower so I can celebrate my niece's birthday and not stink. (I might stink at celebrating a birthday but I refuse to have B.O. while I'm at it.). Her gift, set by the door and promptly forgotten, also needs to be wrapped. So even though I could probably sit and write all day, I can't. And anyways. No one wants to read past 8.4 minutes into a post.

My mom always said anger is toxic. She also said she believes anger contributed to her cancer. I won't ever forget that, not for my whole entire life, because I believe it to be so true. The thing is, what do you do with it when you feel it? And the hurt? And the frustration?

Now, if I am by myself on some island with these thoughts, you will need to let me know. That's no way to make friends, as islands have a way of isolating those who inhabit them. Buuuut...if I've hit a nerve and you can somehow, some way relate, let me know that, too.

Bye for now.

H

An addendum: because that's how things like this go. I write, I think, I ponder, I say oh, sh*t, what have I written that now everyone can see?????????, and I amend. So. Here's what I want. I want the people in my life to help me be a positive force. To cheer me on, to encourage me, to say You run that race, and you run it well! Go! and to provide support, not negativity. And since that's what I want, that's what I should be (key word: should) giving. I know I don't all the time. It's easy to judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions. But if we were to take a second, swallow the criticism, and cheer someone else on...maybe it would make a bigger difference than we could ever really know.

Peace, y'all.

H

6 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing this! I can definitely relate...I think we all feel misunderstood to a point (the whole judging others on their actions and judging on our intentions thing). You are an amazing person and I'm glad that you let these words and thoughts roll out. Being vulnerable doesn't come easy to a lot of people (I think some don't even know how!), but it's something you've really allowed yourself to do here...and I think that's awesome.

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    1. Thanks for being one of my biggest cheerleaders­čśŹI think YOURE awesome!

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  2. Keep running the race, Heather.....you are winning!!!

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    1. Thanks for reading...and much encouragement!!

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  3. I just very randomly stumbled across your blog. It was on an old post, and the 1st thing I'd like to let you know, is that while youTube and snap chat are having their fame and glory, good old blogs filled with words are still worth so much, (popularity is rarely a good gage of true/deep quality), as the 1st thing I did after reading that old article, was to see if this interesting and relatable author wrote anything recent.
    Love and behold, you did. And it did me good to not only read this post, but to see how you're still blogging.. Maybe not for fans, but because you believe in something enough to write it down.
    .... And 2nd, I just wanted to say, that in your rawness and honesty, (which is so inspiring for me, and I'm sure anyone else living in this 21st century who is told to act a lie and pretend you are cooler/better/different then the person you really are), I wanted to share a bit of truth.
    I know that in this world everyone has opinions, and a lot of people will disagree with me on this, but I know its been life giving for me, and even if you choose not to hear it, I wanted to humbly share anyways....when you said you're not a bad person, but not necessarily a good person either, it made me think of the gospel, and what it means. That basically we have no worth in ourselves and we are very sinful (bad)people (sin being anything against God or opposite of what He wants), yet Christ died and took the penalty of that badness on Himself and clothed us with His righteousness, so that even though we still wake up and sin, through just talking with God and genuinely repenting, He sees us as righteous and "good" as His perfect Son was. I saw you quoted scripture, so I'm sure you're familiar with it.... :) I heard it said that the hardest thing a Christian can do is to look into out hearts and to truly see how bad we are, and believe God loves us as much as He says He does..... Anyways, little rant over. That was just the first thing that came to mind with what you said and I had to share.... ( This man says it much better then I ever could if you want more : http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=62706235611&target=browser&target=safari )
    Keep up the heartfelt writing, and thank you for sharing a part of it with the world. :) I was blessed by it...

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    1. Hey! Thanks so much for stumbling across and then choosing to stay and read a little. I think you're right; blogging is becoming a bit of a lost art, if you will, but I'll probably never make the transition over to YouTube or the venue-du-jour people end up using. I have a thing for words, and for truth, and while I also struggled with "what if no one likes it", since it's all about the likes these days, I have come to a point where it doesn't really matter if I have 0 likes or 1,000, because that's not what I write for. That being the case, I also don't feel like I need to write every day. Or every week, for that matter. But I will continue to write when my heart needs to work itself out, and I feel like I can help someone--or someone can help me. Thanks for sharing that bit of truth. It doesn't matter how many times I've heard it before, a battered heart can always find solace in Truth.

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